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Mom Remarrying 

My Dad died 2.5 years ago.  Now suddenly (since August) my mom's (68 and married 47 years to my father) met a man, said it was moving too fast, then said she was blessed to have in her life, to taking off her wedding band, to saying someday she'll marry this guy, to saying she loves him, to picking out a wedding band.  All this in less that 8 weeks.  I've met the man and I'm delighted she's met someone as decent as he is (a widower of 4 years).  

The problem isn't even the short time-frame as much as it's the fact that she hasn't said anything about any of these major events until after the fact.  For example, she let me call her twice with jeweler info before she told me they'd bought an engagement ring 4 days earlier.  Yet she always said she doesn't want to hurt us and what's us to be happy for her. 

I'm tired of what appears to me as deceit.  At this point I can't even get to a place where I'm happy for her and I'd like to be.  Can someone please enlighten me on what could possibly be going on in her mind? 

It's difficult for us to completely let go of our parents.  We think they need guidance as they get older.  The same thing happens to people all the time.  It's as though we think it's an absolute...caring for our parents. 

However, consider the possibility that she "neglected" to tell you things for one of two reasons....or both.

First, she may see you as a bit judgmental about her life and so went ahead and made her plans first so that she didn't have to listen to what you thought might be good reasons to slow down. 

It's also possible that the gentleman has a condition which might suggest haste to them both.  

Second, you might have been rather stifling since your father's death.  Not your fault, but you likely have been her rock since.  She's gained her strength from you.  That's ok . That's what we do for people we love.  But now, she may begin to be feeling a bit babied and decided to exert her own independence.  Two and a half years is enough time to begin to feel the desire to be part of a partnership again. 

Don't take it as deceit.  Wish her well, visit her and her new husband often (parents don't live forever) and make sure to hug her often.  

She deserves to be happy.  She didn't deceive you as much as she kept her dignity.  Let her have that.  Until you had any evidence that this man is going to hurt or use her, give her your blessing.  She doesn't need it but my guess is she would love to have it.

Wish her well.  She has the right to happiness. 

 

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